I am totally avoiding things. On the upside, my house has never been more organized and I have sorted, books, papers, receipts, clothes and toys that have been lying around for years. On the downside I have a lot more to do, and the more I get rid of or sort out, the more I seem to have to do.
One of those things is an update on my son. We went all the way to Stanford yet again. He’s ok. They don’t want to do surgery if they don’t have to. We did full scans of his back and saw a geneticist and returned home with a solid meh. They don’t seem to really know how to help him. It’s a lot of wait and see if he gets worse, since he’s basically stopped improving. Exercising helped many things, but solved nothing. Medications for migraines are the same. Ultimately he’s still where we were before we left with no progress, which is why I am procrastinating.
Traveling for medical care is super stressful. Paying for it, even more frustrating! Coping with a system that cannot or will not help a child who is obviously hurting and struggling makes me want to scream at everyone and everything. BUT I CANNOT!! I have a sick, autistic, sensitive child who cannot watch me lose it or he will. He often loses his cool with normal, everyday occurrences. Being chronically ill, in pain, sick to his stomach with constant migraines does not help him cope with anything. I cannot be sick or in pain, or he gets worse. I cannot even leave him to do his online schoolwork alone, or he’s just to sick to progress.
Every day is a 2-3 hour process of getting him up, moving, eating and working. During that time, he is sick, crying, screaming, frustrated, hurting and sometime just mean. I cannot get upset, angry, or be worried or concerned by any of it. I cannot just leave him alone, or the process starts later. I cannot be too sick, busy, or do anything too fun or it distracts him. I basically go to school with him all day, even though I have turned over most of the instruction to an online charter school. It’s an awful process and hard to get anything real accomplished, but we do it every day. So, I am procrastinating all the hard stuff I need to do – like taxes. I can’t take any more right now, and my brain cannot handle anything new, so we clean, and I cook and torture my child for hours since doctors want to take a more conservative approach.
On the upside, maybe sometime soon my house will be clean and decluttered.