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There are many things about me that people seem to miss. Even my husband has a difficult time reading my emotions, or knowing my heart’s desires. I have had trouble in friendships because of this, and there are some things that I really just have no one to tell. So what is a blog for, if not sharing.

First, I wanted nothing more in life than to be a wife and mother. My favorite book of all time is Cheaper By the Dozen, and I wanted a dozen kids with the crazy busy and pregnancy filled life that went with it. That didn’t happen.

I want to adopt. Finances and health have prevented us from being able to  for the past few years, but it is a dream that I have had since we were first married. There are two little girls that I can see whenever I close my eyes, and since I cannot bear them myself, I will simply have to adopt them. I don’t know how, or when, but I will sometime.

I love Disneyland, Disney and everything about its’ enchanted kingdoms. The depth of the experience never ceases to amaze me. If they offered me a job I would take it in an instant. I would buy a timeshare there and visit once a month or more, and I would be in Heaven if we could afford to visit more often. I love Disney movies, and they are amongst my favorites to view, and I even read the books.

I love and adore working with children with disabilities. The harder the challenge the more I love it. I would spend my days (and do) teaching and loving those kids. To me it is easier than working with grown-ups. I love the light in their eyes and the joy as the master a new challenge, and I love it when I am able to reach them. I love when they test me, and then love me the more for my consistency and presence.

I love fashion. If I had a fashion budget, I would always wear dresses, my home would look like something from Country Living and we would have amazing furniture. I dream about it, but sensibility and budget concerns generally win. I will have to invent something brilliant to indulge in my Disney, fashion, adoption and child loving passions.

I love learning. I read constantly, would go to school forever, and have a vast collection of books that I will never give away, because I love how they feel and look and I love being able to go back and reference them, even when I can get all the information I might need from my iPhone.

I am a nerd. I know Star Wars, Star Trek, and am in love with Doctor Who!! I collect Doctor Who things, but especially love the t-shirts. I like video games, and have even been known to play Yu-Gi-Oh. 🙂

I love my husband. He is silly, says whatever he thinks, and often embarrasses me, but I wouldn’t change him or trade him. There is no celebrity that I like more. I have not back-up plan, and I don’t know how I would endure without him. I didn’t believe in soul mates until I met and fell irrevocably in love with him.

I am a doula or birth assistant. I help mom’s prepare for and deliver baby, advocate for their needs and educate them about healthy birth choices. I am also a certified lactation consultant, and a licensed non-prescribing health practitioner or health coach. I love working with people to create healthier lifestyles and will be starting a blog and newsletter soon to reflect all of that. My lifelong dream would be to become a midwife and help deliver babies.

Last of the happy ones – I love people. I very rarely hold a grudge, am extremely loyal, and would give anything I have to help a friend. I often overdo it and scare people off, but they will always be my friends. I believe that people are fundamentally good, and I wish that I could spend my life entertaining and engaging with people and children.

Now for the not so happy things.

I am disabled. I cannot work a “real” job.  I blog and do a lot of side jobs to help our finances, but ultimately I struggle to do much more than sleep through the day. It is the ultimate challenge for someone who would explore and live life deeply to be forever stuck on the sidelines because illness has placed her there. It makes me depressed.

I suffer from severe anxiety. Sharing things even on a blog with readers whom I may never meet makes me batty. I spend hours pondering my blog posts and then hours worrying about what people with think of them, which is silly, but something that happens to me. I am the person who will go out and then review every word and every action in retrospect and find fault with my behavior. It is annoying. Sometimes I cannot leave the house, make phone calls, or face friends because of this anxiety. It is ridiculous, but true, and my amazing husband has pulled me through more than one episode of panic attacks. In fact, there was a point where I was put in an inpatient facility because of my depression and anxiety. It had gotten so bad that I was worried about my own safety and could not be left alone. The happy side story is that I had suffered pituitary failure and thyroid failure, which is what caused the severity of my symptoms, and thus it was not just me being crazy, but I will always struggle with this, and that is not happy.

My son has severe anxiety too, and an eating disorder. He is afraid he will get fat. He also has autism, and ADHD. He doesn’t like to talk to me, and rarely responds. Everything I do or say seems to make him cry and he is a direct reflection of my current state of health. If I am sick, he gets worse, which is a constant source of guilt that I cannot control.

We are poor. My husband is a school teacher, and his income is enough to give us a wonderful life, except my son and I are both disabled and we need specialized therapies, diets and doctors, which all costs lots of money. It is our primary struggle beyond the illnesses, and stresses my husband out. He works two jobs and we still cannot make ends meet. I have applied for disability, but it is a long process, and my hearing with the judge was not very positive. Given greater resources there would be no limit to what I would do, but then isn’t everyone that way?

So, ultimately the result of this blog is to help me direct my blogs focus in the future. This blog will continue to offer review, with a greater emphasis placed on children, family, Disney, adoption and related concerns. My health blog is a whole new challenge which I am excited to get started on, and I need to write everyday, which is extremely hard for me. Not because I don’t have anything to write about, but because of the anxiety thing I mentioned earlier. I will continue to bring you giveaways and great products as I find that to be a lot of fun. Hopefully as I grow as a blogger, my products and giveaways will get cooler, and my readers will be able to win even better things. I know that is what I want. Ultimately I want to create a place where you can learn, have fun, and vent if need be. My facebook page is a great place to hold discussions and vent, and I look forward to making and meeting many new friends through blogging. Blogging has been my saving grace since my illness got worse. Now as I hopefully improve, it will be a source of continuing joy and fun.

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2 thoughts on “Random Thoughts and Confessions

  1. Veronica Lee says:

    I discovered your blog via a giveaway contest I am participating in and I’m so glad we connected! So nice to ‘meet’ you! Blogging has been my saving grace too since I became a SAHM. It’s like a portal to a whole new world out there and I can’t begin to describe the wonderful people I’ve met and new stuff I’ve learned!

    Love your blog, BTW!

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