So, I am having a panic attack. It is just one in many that I have had over the years, and this last week. I couldn’t go to an autism Lego event because I was panicking. Stupid, but true. I love events like that with my son. I love talking to other mom’s, sharing experiences, and playing with the kids. Anxiety sucks!

  •  I was supposed to write about Inside Out, but cannot write it.
  • I have a health blog I am afraid to get wrong.
  • I think nobody will read this or anything else I have to write because, well anxiety.
  • I am not the mother I want to be due to chronic illness, and cannot accept it.
  • I am a horrible housekeeper, in fact, my husband does almost all of it, and makes the meals.
  • I am not the best writer.
  • I am sick
  • I sleep too much
  • I hurt all the time.
  • My family hates me, and won’t talk to me, and I avoid them because everything I do makes it worse.
  • We are broke and have to declare bankruptcy, and I won’t finish our taxes because I hate the idea of bankruptcy.
  • I am super sensitive about almost any discussion of my flaws, mostly because the conversation in my head centers around them.
  • I impulse shop when I am stressed.
  • I will do or try anything to feel better, but no one thing works.
  • I suck at network marketing.
  • Nobody comes to my parties, or wants to buy what I like and have to sell, mostly because my life is crappy.
  • My son is autistic and has ADHD and I can barely stand to be around him some days because he makes my head hurt.
  • I cannot have more kids, but really wanted a big family.
  • I love baking and cooking, but we are now allergic to all kinds of things and I cannot figure it out.
  • I also cannot stand long enough to cook, and when I do, I go to bed without really eating because it hurts so bad.
  • Everything I thought I had, or would be, or do has been taken by chronic illness, pain, and fatigue. I cannot function according to my definition of a human being, and I often wonder what the point of my life is.
  • I don’t blog. I have lots to say, but I am scared to say it, scared of what you will think of me, or that nobody will read it.
  • I self-sabotage – nobody can read a blog that I don’t actually write, and we cannot declare bankruptcy if I don’t do the taxes.

My pain management doctor asked me last week what I do for stress relief, or fun. The answer is nothing, and I have no idea. What I used to do, what I want to do is impossible. I am so stuck, and it makes me so angry. I hate living like this. I look at the people who have the life I dreamt of, and am so jealous. I do not understand why they can live that life, and I cannot. Sometimes I wish or think it would be better if the medical processes that saved my life had failed, or that I just went away somewhere. I am stuck in a body I hate, and I cannot do what I want to do. I have all the health and psychology training, but nothing works, or I just can’t get myself to do what I know I should do.

About the only thing I know how to do, is try again later.

3 thoughts on “I failed

  1. Jeanette says:

    Sorry things are tough.

  2. Jeanette says:

    Love ya! Aren’t you grateful for a wonderful husband and son! I’m grateful for this gospel as well, Christ helps us all especially when we are going through rough spots. I hope you are doing something fun for the 4th. 🙂

  3. Dorothy Teel says:

    Sorry, been a rough couple of days, lead them one day at a time, tackling one problem over another, take little steps, be happy with yourself and the life youhave and remember only you can make things better, you have to decide that looking at the good and not the bad is the most important, dig deep into your sould an live and remember to love yourself.

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